Memories Suck

   I heard when a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world, just the end of a world you had with one person.. Well I'm human and sometimes shit still hurts. I wonder if I'm considered crazy to still wonder what the hell happened to us. Found myself laying awake in the wee hours of the morning thinking about our first date, our first kiss, and the first time you drowned in my eyes from the mere thought of forever stamping us as one. Man.. how wrong were we..
   I've moved on believe it or not, but because life said so. For a while I didn't think I would ever lay in my bed without the sight of tears after our break up. Music didn't sound the same and nothing made sense. Even when I tried to think happy thoughts before laying to rest, my pillow was there to catch every one of my new friends. That time was confusing because it was unexpected and I think that's what made everything worse.
   We are told to believe all truth when we are confronted with it but I was in denial. I began hating myself for not being able to let go as I should. I hated you for putting me through it all. So when distance became the token gem of our lives I was forced to draw my own conclusion and just stop. And for a while that meant everything.
     Now it's a full year and some change since then and I cannot understand why you cross my mind still. I find myself wondering would the world bring us back together on account of some great exchange happening. Soul mates. Someone who brings out the best and perhaps worse parts of you during a romantic relationship. To some degree we want to know it all. We ask all the right questions at the right time to receive a well thought response, ONLY TO BUCKLE at its message. We in turn ask even more questions and regretting the initial one.
    Truth is, I love you still. In this moment, if fate brought us back I swear I would be by your side in a heartbeat. Love has a way of shedding camouflage for the true colors to shine. The colors dance in vibrant tones of SELFISH.
    I've dated. Dealt with trial and error just to realize he loves me and will do anything for me. But I swear his kisses are not as sweet. This man has been proving so much of himself that it is I he wishes to wake up to... but sleeping next to you on carpeted futon floors held more pleasure in my eyes. I'm beginning to think I'm absolutely crazy.

Funny thing is I probably won't feel this way tomorrow or next week.
Blessed are blogs and the freedom to just write out loud.

If you're reading this just pray for me.

Peace&Love

Induced Sobriety..

"Breaking up is hard,
to move along is even harder.
Its over she got colder now
can't locate where her heart is." -Wale

The sun shines brighter when forgiveness and acceptance pumps self awareness within your blood stream. Self esteem.
"ITS STEAM FROM YOURSELF!" Only you determine what effects you. Self control becomes easier when you truly realize that forever doesn't last always in peace. And neither do troubles. Pain. Tears. Hate. Deceit. And most importantly, INSECURITY.
I'm reminded of the time when my first love held me so tight throughout the night. I had no business being there, but the rebellion tasted so sweet against his lips, felt so comfortable between his sheets, as our love rocked us to sleep.
It rained that night.
I wanted to be with him forever. We didn't care that our love seemed ridiculous because of our age. If anything, me being a virgin during our time together was the purest point of it all. We had what the majority longed for as an adult; friendship first. Found common ground even though the intention wasn't to fall in love. It wasn't to complete each others' sentences, or telepathically understand each others gestures. We just loved. With no limits. Unadulterated.
That freedom was beautiful.
I still hope to find forever but I know those circumstances won't be the same. I wouldn't want it to.
I've learned so much from you all.
I wrote this small thought back in February:

"Running on emotional circuits just to get rolling blackouts.
Some days its so nice.
The dawn of a new day sends endorphins while I sleep
from yesterday's success
and I think less of my pain.
Then the lights flicker.
All the hope and motivation to stay up on life
dies a slow tear my lotus Queen can't handle."

Love is real.

Peace

Love in the Am

     I'm sharing this story because self reflection had a face I appreciated at 13 years old. Though I didn't understand why tears would form in the corners of my eyes when I thought about him; all that really mattered was that he loved me, and I loved him. My cousins and I met up with my best friend at the time, downtown at Game Works in Circle Centre Mall for an evening of arcade gaming and flirting. It was only six of us girls all together, but he brought eight other guys with him. Though the group was uneven, us girls didn't care because we already knew who we were crushing on, and who was not going to get any play. The evening started off slow and awkward, but as time went on, everyone was off enjoying their selves, playing air hockey, basketball, and my personal favorite, the "Need For Speed" racing games.
    A couple weeks later, my best friend called to inform me that one of his cousins liked me. Great. At first I thought it was the guy I kicked it with at Game Works, but the description didn't match my crush. Apparently, he was one of those extra guys, and I had no idea what he looked like. But that didn't mean I couldn't talk to him... RIGHT? Well.. About a month later, I had grown very fond of this kid and our once a week conversations, quickly became more frequent. He held my attention and kept me laughing.
     During our time together he became really important to me and Friday became our late conversation nights. He was the only person that took interest in me during eight grade. I had moved from Haughville and out of Wayne Township district to IPS, and I was utterly alone. All the students knew one another and they could smell my 'NewComer' fragrance as soon as I stepped foot in homeroom. Feeling like an outcast and missing my old friends and neighborhood, I became attached to him and his vow to be my friend.
    It had been three months talking to him and I had yet to see what he looked like. "I would like to see a picture of you, so I can have a visual of who I'm talking to all the time." "Oh yeah I forgot to tell you I just got a Myspace page. Go check me out," he said that made me believe to be a smiling response.
    I found his page. Clicked on the "profile pictures" link. As I'm doing so my heart began to pound heavier than usual, anticipating an incredibly handsome boy that I just happen to miss, being hung up on a crush. The the irritation set in. Two photos. One group picture of about six guys. The other of the faceless picture above. GREAT.
     About six months had passed and our relationship grew stronger as so had our love for one another. Even though he wasn't the cutest of the guys in the Myspace picture, he was the tallest and pretty muscular for a 15 year old. He started sending gifts for my birthday and Christmas, and even when he had extra money to buy shoes. Though we never saw each other in person, due to him living on the other side of town and going to different schools, I loved him as if we were meant to be together.
   Freshman year was nearing and my family and I were packing up to move back into the beloved Wayne Township district. I knew that all my friends from elementary and junior high would all be with me venturing into our high school years, and I couldn't wait for school to begin. But much like all good things, they must come to an end. Something happened between my baritone voiced friend and I... Distance. He called less. He barely reminded me that he loved me still, and I just didn't know why. I couldn't hold onto him any longer. Knowing that much was a pain I never knew existed. And I cried.

Reflecting back to the times where I first loved, has shown me that many things that we deem to be good and perhaps everlasting, won't be, here on Earth. I learned to appreciate another human for who they truly showed to be and allowed my emotions to follow suit. I was young and naive for falling in love with a voice that only rocked me to sleep after a long night of conversations. But the reality of it proved he had fallen for me as well. Not ever wanting compensation for those gifts he sent, and when we did make plans to meet, it was always in a friendly setting. There are good guys out there that only wish to please the lady friends in their life. And for that I thank you. And I love you.

The First Kiss

Lets go back in time and relive one of the most revealing moments I had about love. It was second semester sixth grade year and like many students, I was very excited about passing to the seventh grade and officially being among jr high students. I had learned allot, but I knew so much more came with getting older. During the school year, a cute new student joined the McClelland Bears and had all the young females less apprehensive about boy cooties. Not only was he cute, he lived in my neighborhood and going to school became allot more fun from then on.

      Nearing summer break, he as my boyfriend knew that change was evident. He would only stick around a couple weeks after summer started, to live with his dad. But we were young, and it didn't matter what happened, as long as we enjoy what was present. We understood that South Wayne would behold a gauntlet of new friends and fun, and that we would always remain friends no matter what.

      On the eve of him leaving, we made arrangements to be with each other and enjoy each other's company. Remember, we were sixth graders, and outside was our playground. Upon walking me home after our day of bliss, he gently grabbed my hand and said, "before I leave... can I kiss you?" I was caught off guard, for I had never kissed anyone. I became paranoid quick. "Uumm. Yeah. Where, because I have nosey neighbors?" And without a word, just my hand in tow, he lead me towards my garage.

      I'm still nervous and freaking out in my mind; "Should I lick my lips? I hope my breath don't stink!! Are we using tongue? I'm not ready for tongue!! Gosh I hope I do this right." ... He gave me a hug comforting the pounding heart in my chest. He kissed my forehead. I don't remember breathing. He kissed my nose. I looked into his eyes and seen the sun giving them the sparkling hazel hue that I learned to love more than anything. "Count to five in your head," he sweetly whispered. And with the next beating pulse of my heart, our lips touched at once, creating ultraviolet explosive fireworks to boom with excitement, to nearly sweet calming peace of love.

    I remember the wind blowing through my hair, startling me to open my eyes. He was entangled just as much if not more, like me! I was happy. And then I giggled. I couldn't help it. "Why are you laughing Big Head? We barely made it to five?" "This ain't 'Love & Basketball'... five seconds of kissing," I said mockingly. He then playfully picked me up, bear-hugging me, and lightly kissed my cheek setting me down back to Earth.

       

That was the cheesiest, most awesome first kiss I could ever experience. I went to bed that night thinking that if true love really exists, then I want it to feel just like it was - peaceful. Love sometimes will just be a simple notion. No music. No disruptions. Just total control and awareness of one's emotional peak. Allowing them to unfurl as they so wish to. And for that. I thank you. Peace.